Paige FTW: Finger Lickin’ Propaganda

It’s not every day that a major fast food chain puts resources into making a satirical dating simulator about its geriatric mascot, but this is 2019, and clearly we departed from the bayou of good sense long ago.

I Love You, Colonel Sanders: A Finger Lickin’ Good Dating Simulator purports to let you date a handsome, younger version of the Colonel, one who rides up to culinary school on a horse and enters rooms accompanied by small explosions of cherry blossoms and the mouthwatering smell of fried chicken.

Far be it from me not to try it, right?

Let’s get this out of the way right off the bat: It’s a very simple, short game, with plenty of absurd, dry millennial humor and a finger on the pulse of internet culture. It is amusing. It is the kind of thing I would have liked to have written myself, so that I might sit back and watch the ludicrousness unfold when it becomes real against all odds and sense of logic.

It takes about half an hour to run through, and you can fail, but the game is pretty forgiving about marching you on your way. It is not a dating sim in the traditional sense, as there are really no branching paths and multiple endings to consider.

Also, you cannot have sex (not even implied sex) with Colonel Sanders. That’s the question everyone is wondering, so there’s your answer.

There is the oddness of this being an advertisement for KFC — a very blatant advertisement. KFC chicken is rendered in loving detail. Pot pie is a major plot point, as is, uh, chicken tenders topping mac and cheese (which I did not know KFC made before this). But it was free, I was entertained … if this is how companies are going to market things to me, then I welcome the effort.

And it is an effective advertisement. I did strangely want to eat fast food fried chicken afterwards … from Popeye’s.